being all alone....

makes me wonder if there is a meaning to all of this. Arent we just running around searching for a meaning if the only menaing comes out when it is in a expression to a other animal/person? Does life only then make sense? why is a breakup such a terrible loss? and the need to replace the loss with another soul, body? Is that the reason for life... to express obeself

hunchback of notre dame

Just saw Hunchback of notre dame for the first time... maybe I had to become 41, be here, alone, in this spesific spot to realise, "I am but an ugly shape of the Moon" and that just because I make the wrong choices..... Heard of a shapeshifter? I need to shift... not just my shape, but also my mind.

Thought its all downhill from here.... but in the shape of the moon, even my shape is deformed.... and when the light starts to shine - its too late...

In the greater scheme of tings

I often - and as I grow older wonder about my surroundings.... and it means more than the wintersday, where the leaves fal off the trees, and the sun struggles to get through the one cloud in the sky... much more. There was a time when: "the greater scheme of things" made sense... but now I think it only means that it is "sorry, I dont have an answer... but in the greater... What load of bull. There is no greater scheme of things!

Every Lion has its kingdom... every baboon his banana. And that is it. Every ant needs to work, every bird needs to fly... And that is it. There is no scheme, no plan, no tomorrow but just a meager today... tiny now. And then the humans think thay have it to say that I have to live in the moment of the now. What the heck does that mean? Cause now is already in the past... is there a now? Now? Thats already in the past. And that is it.

I dont know anymore.

I dont even have a banana - And that is it.

When your life is threatened...

I just watched a movie of Athol Fugard. He continuously asks about life in the big continent of mine, Africa. It made me wonder (that and all the happenings the last few weeks) - what is the natural reaction if your life is threatened... in any kind of way - be it religion, your physical being, your job? Do you run into the trees and hide, eat more bananas (even if they are green), do you look up all your enemies from the past and try to find the reason why they are enemies? (I tend to do the latter).

I thin it left me dumbstruck... not because of the threat, but maybe just of the mere misconception I had of life. Life is nothing really, being filled by meaningful (or meaningless) contents that we so absolutely love to surround us by.

...and in a flash it can be over... and the content deleted. Maybe the religion has the answer when they so pious claims that one can not take anything into the past life... I disagree. You take yourself. And that is more tan enough... and no regards to what you believe, it is YOU that will be in heaven, or YOU that will be recycled into the world again...

When I used to live in NAMIBIA I learned a valuable lesson... that I only fully understand now....many years later. You will not be judged (by GOD, by yourself, by you Peers) by what people do to you, but by your reaction to it.

Newton said: every action has a reaction...so - how will I react on a threat? Or do I keep quiet and watch... how a new life begins?