a bit of illness goes a long way...

Ive been ill for the last 3 weeks.... still no better light, nor hope that it will turn. In all this I realised how dependand one is of all the other puppets around you. All of a sudden you need someone to drive the car, hold your hand, bring you pills, cry with you etc...
And then I realised that I can also be reliable, love, hold a hand - and decided there and then.... I am going to do that more!
a Little illness can take your mind a loooooong way!

In the Universal Scheme of things

I wonder if the circle of life is a circle that we can only come out when we die. It feels like the bananas I eat, and the lessons I learn have a kind of a repetition-circle pattern.

I'm not complaining, because a banana stays a banana... but I've heard of alot of friends around me that died because of stress.... even my own uncle... without anouncement!

I dont want to die of stress, I want to die knowing that I tasted every banana, drank the purest water, slept in the softest branches... and lived!

Its time

When I was younger....

When I was younger I walked faster, slept more, drank more and ate more. When I was younger I dreamed with stars in my eyes.... and I was certain that I was going to change the world.... I was the missing link. I was the answer... not only to my own problems, but I could face every challenge... sometimes blind, sometimes ignorant - but I faced them, nonetheless. I fell in love with everyone I see, and survived and that love for hours, days, months. I knew what I wanted, where I am going to, how much I can take and tolerate. When I was younger I smelled the change of the season, felt the cold and concurred the heat. When I was younger my favorite colour was purple and my mood always red! When I was younger I knew it all.

Now I'm older. I wonder who changed the rules? Okay... I walk a bit slower and think a bit more about the next step... My favorite colour is still purple, but a softer violet, sometimes I have to listen twice to hear, or the cold is too cold and the heat too hot... and yes I see the worlds problems... BUT - I still dream big and walk on the clouds... I still love with a passion and hurt even more, I still survive on your smile for days... and YES! I AM STILL GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!

!!

to love the wild and untamed

The little Prince teaches me to sweep the volcano's when they need sweeping, to protect my rose when she needs protecting, to take the beauty of sunset and sunrise when it is there... and to love the wild and the untamed... because I go along the road but once in my life... and what is past is past... and can never be taken back or experienced again.

i drink to forget!

One of my puppet friends are doing an ancient story "The Little Prince" - and then he fail ill... and realised in al of the turmoil, sleeping and pain....

In the city, we are alone. But thats okay... it can be negative - but it all depends on what side of the corner of angle you look at it.

One is only needed in your own head... and as I baboon n, I had to get my head around that. Lots of things can be a given. Lots of things can be bought. Plastic, Booze, Goods, maybe a better job... but to be needed is a human made emotion.... a nice emotion at that... but does not mean anything without love. Love and trust can not be bought. Its needs to be lived.... and if you are not getting love, trust, peace where you are now.... move!!

Thats why I'm moving.

The drukard in the show says: "I drink to forget". I will not be that: Ill drink because I can!!

in the turn of events

I dont know if I have a problem, or maybe am the problem, but it just feel like I do not fit in... not in a world that would have ended a few weeks ago, or the new world we are in now... it feels like we are all racng towards something... maybe happiness... but we are doing it all wrong. Just spent a whole weekend at people that think and do like me (so I thought) and went with so much expectations....

None of these were met. That is maybe where the REAL problem lies.. the expectations..

I expect to be loved... but I forgot how it is to love
I expect to be seen... but did I realy see you?
I expect to be happy... but Im crying the whole time
I expect the pills to work (hehehe) ... but Im so used to it
I expect

and the I get dissapointed, and after 3 bottles of brandy, some fireworks and plastic smiles... I am still as empty as I was before my search for happiness...

Do you remember that song that a lady sang a few years ago?

I've been to paradise, but Ive never been to me?

The white afrikaner being rude?

Haven't been here for a while.... will be here more often. Heard a new version of the funky song "Gummy Bears" with Alecia Keys this morning and it made me think....Can old stuff be reborn, redone, re arranged? Take the song for instance... although she performs it in a whole new genre, the old tune and rhythm stays in your head.

Like old ways, old habbits, old beliefs, old traditions... will this lovely sunny South Africa ever change its tune and rhythm? And if it changes... aren't we stuck with the old tune. Spoke to two puppets from other countries in the last week. Ons puppet from the UK and another puppet from Switzerland... and they both had the same thing to say:

"White South Africans are rude... {I always thought different} Black, White, Coloured, Indian... don't realy care who or what.... are not hospitable towards the people they serve, the man in the street. The live in a jail, their own jail... I hate johannesburg!

My question to myself is: did I become so trapped in my own little world, my own problems, my own little me, that I am in a jail?

We need to rethink this.... I love Africa, I love Johannesburg (which is told by the Swiss puppet is bigger than New York), I love being part of the culture AND tradition of what ever race, but I have to have space and understanding... compassion... I have to laugh life... in Africa because we are unique. I need to know the waiters name that serve me... help the beggar on the corner, smile at the car guard when I pay him, pay my own bills, discover new horisons, drink coffee with strangers more, read more, be quiet more... be more, live more...

I need to be part of the positive solution in making the gap between the two poles of the economy smaller... I am the solution... I am an African!