I often wonder what would have happened 10 years ago I I wasn't at the house I was watching, if the specific man did not come over, if the Internet did not exist.... would i be here at this spot now? I think sometimes the truth my dad taught me as a teenager - simple as it may seem - is more than a philosophy... I have to mow the A rugby fields lawn during the holidays: my dad used to say: the way you mow the lawn, is the way you will live!/do you job. If you try to cut corners, you'll have to come back and do it all over again.
I wonder if the corners that Ive cut, or the corners that I didn't cut is not always a recurring flaw/weakness that comes back every time... and if I change the pattern now, will that edges of life stay away or make another turn?
Read a letter I wrote to a friend in Perth in 2009 and wondered what changed? And was shocked to really say: nothing.... Maybe my weight, cause the gym was non exciting, or the fact that I did not get a letter from my dad this Christmas because his dead for over a year now... but other than that: nothing. What did I achieve in the year or two past? Or is the fact that I did not achieve anything significant, an achievement on its own ... breaking the pattern to prove that i am bigger, better ... at least something of worth. Maybe this is just that: I am worth enough to just be.... (and as a puppet) hang when I'm hanging, and move when I'm moving! Only difference in being moved by a manipulator is that I can make the choice, to move or not move, (a puppet cant), to use or not use, to cry or not cry, to phone or not phone, to be!
Question is, am I going to be fully, or cut the corners and miss the small pleasures in life.
