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I often wonder what would have happened 10 years ago I I wasn't at the house I was watching, if the specific man did not come over, if the Internet did not exist.... would i be here at this spot now? I think sometimes the truth my dad taught me as a teenager - simple as it may seem - is more than a philosophy... I have to mow the A rugby fields lawn during the holidays: my dad used to say: the way you mow the lawn, is the way you will live!/do you job. If you try to cut corners, you'll have to come back and do it all over again.

I wonder if the corners that Ive cut, or the corners that I didn't cut is not always a recurring flaw/weakness that comes back every time... and if I change the pattern now, will that edges of life stay away or make another turn?

Read a letter I wrote to a friend in Perth in 2009 and wondered what changed? And was shocked to really say: nothing.... Maybe my weight, cause the gym was non exciting, or the fact that I did not get a letter from my dad this Christmas because his dead for over a year now... but other than that: nothing. What did I achieve in the year or two past? Or is the fact that I did not achieve anything significant, an achievement on its own ... breaking the pattern to prove that i am bigger, better ... at least something of worth. Maybe this is just that: I am worth enough to just be.... (and as a puppet) hang when I'm hanging, and move when I'm moving! Only difference in being moved by a manipulator is that I can make the choice, to move or not move, (a puppet cant), to use or not use, to cry or not cry, to phone or not phone, to be!

Question is, am I going to be fully, or cut the corners and miss the small pleasures in life.

Its been a month...

since i last chatted to ... myself, realy? I was so busy that i realy did not even get a change to hang around here ever so often. I often wonder what is the purpose of thus running around.

Opene a new show with a friend of mine, Willie Wakkermaak. Was a bit of a desaster, but what can you expect from amateurs. He'll get nto the swig of things.

In the meantime I read an article about God.... and let your mind go n this one: God does not exist, he acts...

He is in word and action, not in being. If I do not live my arm, I am dead - and so is God.

have a great one

I often wonder

how much longer we have to tolerate bad karma.... and yes, itis advidable to just ignore the animals we do not like, bu what if me as a puppet needs to hang next to someone that is out to make my life hell.

when is it ego, and when is it a need of love?

...and the journey took me

to a placed where i never thought i would end up. with myself. i think one can only be hapy when you look at yourself in the refelction of the water and say: i am okay!

I am exhausted...

the sun was shining really badly today.... nobody could concentrate and it took so much more energy to get somethng done... but energy is something I've been struggling with my whole life.... it seems (looking from here) that I have been leading a rolercoaster ride.... and then the question came up? what motivates me? is it the good things i have done or happened to me, or the hope that something good will happen??

i had a wonderful day

.... and in my search for happiness i realised one thing. We all look for it, some of us follow the rules and other just live.... without counting the cost. What is the meaning of life? If only I can be happy? Then....

Happiness lies within the piece you find within yourself... and your maker. Happiness is not something to seek for, but time with yourself, with God

had a thought today....

I wonder up to what extend one should play the politics and in the end loose oneself... that is the identity of being me. Do I now suddely have to hang on branches that hurts my hands, and make me cry, or can I rather stay swinging on a willow tree - where the river flows. I gues life is a game, played in different styles and different ways. I do believe that somewhere there is a thin line between the politics you play to survive and survival itself. I think I am going to eat two bananas this week... and spoil myself a bit!